Comedy

Anxiety Workouts

Staying fit is quite difficult for many of us in our busy and often sedentary lives. Sure, there are standing desks and exercise ball chairs but some of us prefer to not be the office pariah. We often don’t find many opportunities to get our heart rate up to healthy levels. However, with the help of my FitBit I’ve developed a daily regimen for busybodies and office workers that can be incorporated into a typical daily routine.

Waking Up: I like to start exercise before I even wake up. Even in my dreams I’m running away from my past. Waking up with a cold sweat is a good sigh of elevated heart rate.

Getting Ready: Keep photos of physically superior human beings around your mirror and compare their taught skin to you body that is slowly losing a fight to gravity. Heart should be a’pumping by now.

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HAHAHAHA, Look at my face!

Commute to Work: Stare into the eyes of a beautiful woman on your subway ride for the entire commute. This is a great exercise as you’re definitely making her sweat too so you’re also helping her maintain a healthy heart rate. For an advanced version, stare smugly at the imposingly large man taking up three seats.

In Office: Type up an email asking your boss for a raise. It’s a great finger workout as well since you’ll rewrite it 20 times.

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Oh, we’re workin’ here

Lunch: Make sure to walk into a restaurant with a “C” health rating and order the dish least recognizable to you. Your heart will be pounding at the atmosphere and through trying to figure out exactly what animal you’re currently digesting.

Back In Office: Realize that all of this elevated heart rate has made you sweat through your shirt. Sweat more because of your anxiety about the shirt

nervous_man_approach_anxiety

Commute Home: You know that dark alley you always avoid on the way home? Give it a chance.

Going to Bed: Stare at the ceiling and think about your future…like really think about it.

Repeat until dead. 

Additional Exercise: Try and buy heroin.

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