Comedy

Bernie Sanders Is America’s High School Crush

America has entered her liberal arts college, experimental phase. She’s graduated high school, stopped shaving her armpits, decorated her dorm room with Keep Calm and Rosie the Riveter posters, and is ready to reinvent herself. She’s finally changed opinion on gays after getting into Orange Is The New Black and meeting cool friends like Ellen DeGeneres and Neil Patrick Harris. She’s a little less religious but really, like, spiritual you know? She even spent the past eight years in a relationship with the first black guy she ever dated and, despite the fact that it rhymes, it seems that once you go black you can go back. Like almost immediately. Though she’s going back to white (I pray she does, Ben Carson totally isn’t her type) it seems that she might get with her first woman. It’s a bold new world for America. Yet, someone else has caught America’s eye.

How can someone this Left feel so right?

Sure, America is young and he’s up there in years but who doesn’t love an older man? Age is just a number anyway. America knows that everyone expects her to be with Hillary. Sure, she comes from a good family. Yeah, she did great in school. They would probably have a fine time together. But America doesn’t want to end up like Leonardo DiCaprio in Revolutionary Road or Betty Draper in Mad Men. She want to feel that Bern, that passion! Now’s the time to experiment with that guy who has the European air about him, that unruly hair belonging to a retired wizard or present-day Hugh Hefner. America has fallen hard for Bernie in a way that is new but feels very familiar. Bernie Sanders is a lot like America’s high school crush.

Remember your high school crush? Remembering pouring over all their information and profiles on the internet while never actually talking to them in person, save for the rare occasions when you were forced together in group projects and you told her that killer joke you had been saving for just that moment but she only smiled a little bit even though that joke was fucking hilarious to all your friends so, like, what’s her problem?…umm, I think I got derailed. But high school crushes were the best! Like your high school crush, Bernie is all over the internet’s search history even though you wouldn’t dare talk about him too much in public forums. Your parents just don’t understand why you’re into him, instead trying to usher you to all the other available suitors in town. And unfortunately, a lot like your high school crush, you know that it’ll never happen but it still feels good to think about it.

AND IIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEYAAIIIIIII, WILL ALWAYS...LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
AND IIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEYAAIIIIIII, WILL ALWAYS…LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

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