Comedy

Is Your God Playing Hard To Get?

Has your relationship with the Lord gotten a little stale? Do you feel like he’s not paying you much attention or that others are receiving His blessings while you’re out here struggling? Well, along with being an amateur blogger, I also moonlight as a relationship advice columnist for Cosmopolitan magazine and I’m here to give you relationship advice if you feel like God’s been a little cold and distant recently. I’ve conducted interviews with those who have been blessed and we share tips on how you can also reap what you sow.

How to Get God’s Attention

Give Him Space

We all get stressed out and overwhelmed over the details and problems of life. God gets stressed too and he has to manage the problems of life, death, the afterlife, and the universe. So maybe he can’t get to you and your struggles right now because He’s busy helping Chick-fil-A make delicious chicken sandwiches, or He’s accepting thanks from Matthew McConaughey at the Oscars, or maybe He’s trying to help athletes get that touchdown with two-minutes left in the fourth quarter.

Except Tim Tebow. Fuck you, Tim Tebow.
Except Tim Tebow. Fuck you, Tim Tebow.
He may feel a little bad or embarrassed by some of his creations and not want to talk about it right now. I mean like, God made Ben Carson. And Transformers 4…that was a terrible movie. I’d feel pretty bad about those things too.

Spice Things Up

People say that you reap what you sew and who’s reaped more than Kim Kardashian? Kim reaped the most of her blessings after creating a sex tape with Ray J so maybe she’s onto something.

“God is always watching so why not put on a show?” -Kim Kardashian, The Met Gala, 2015

Show Him Who’s The Boss

“God answers all prayers.” A homeless man told me that. So either God doesn’t listen to all prayers or this guy seriously needs to starts asking for more things. God is a powerful man and powerful people respect assertiveness. Whether it’s Yeezus, 6 God, or HOVA, these rappers success and baller status is a sign that God respects those who challenge Him in a relationship. To quote a conversation between Yeezus and Jesus, found on Kanye’s most recent album,

“I just talked to Jesus/He said, ‘What up Yeezus?’/I said, ‘Shit I’m chilling/Trying to stack these millions'”

Even Jesus respects the hustle. So fuck the haters and stack that paper
Even Jesus respects the hustle. So fuck the haters and stack that paper.

Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You

“God loves everyone”, “It’s not me, it’s you”. These are obviously not true. Sometimes you just have to move on in a relationship. There are plenty of other fish in the sea for you to try out so play your options! Interested in a more vintage relationship? Greek Gods may be for you though they are known for infidelity. From New Jersey? Praise the sun! Forget the holy trinity and submit to the three pillars of Gym, Tan, Laundry. Whatever situation, there’s a god out there to match your lifestyle.

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